I've had three major turning points in my life... June 22, 1996 in one of them. It is a day etched in my heart and mind. A day that changed every day after it.
I was 15, it was a typically hot summer in sleepy Bunker Hill, Indiana, and I had recently returned from 9 days in Paris, France. None of my family, or extended family, nor friends, nor friend's family had left the country and returned with tales of exotic places. For that matter, most had never even left the state. Did you know that they have french fry forks in France?!! I was different and I liked it.
Growing up in Bunker Hill was difficult for me. Perhaps it should not have been, but, regardless of what should have been, it was. There were bright spots too and I clung to those... books, animals, an active imagination, academics and two dear friends significantly warmed my world.
In the beginning I did not like Kelly Ann Edwards, in first grade I saw her as a threat to my friendship with Sherry, her cousin. Sherry was obliged, out of familial duty, to like Kelly more than me and that made me grumpy. However, Kelly and I were put in the same 5th grade class and, through having no other friends there, we sat together, played together, laughed together and became best friends. It also happened that we looked remarkably similar and our birthdays were 4 days apart. Everyone got us confused and I often felt like I had a twin. I had always wanted a sister and I loved every moment of it.
Some of my most treasured childhood memories are going to Kelly's house to play. I'd go for a Friday and they'd keep me all weekend. The Edwards home was beautiful!!! I do not remember what it looked like, but there was always laughter, family adventures, games, and Jane and Gary could be caught holding hands. I remember things like Chicago style spaghetti (just butter and salt), puff paint t-shirts, movies (The Body Guard), leaf piles, church, the 5th grade play where Jane made Indian dresses for our papier mache dolls, Kelly learning to put in contacts...
By the age of 12, if you could have asked me who I most wanted to be in the world it was Kelly Edwards. I thought she had it all. She was an incredibly good person and she was loved by everyone.
June 22nd is the day that Kelly died. It was an accident. No one was at fault. Yet, it was a day that the world lost a beautiful source for good. It was a day that changed everything in my life.
I'll spare us both the details, but that night I learned it is possible to run out of tears. Towards the end, I'm not sure what I cried, but every time it fell an angry red welt streaked down my face. During the weeks that followed, I was only able to shed one more tear. That tear fell when they played Tears in Heaven at Kelly's memorial service.
To this day, Kelly's mom cannot look at me without crying. Though I rarely return home, when I do, I always return to Kelly's grave for just a few minutes. Without fail there are beautiful crisp decorations surrounding it, no matter the season.
When Kelly died I was not sure life was worth living. I remember waking up the next morning and wondering if it was worth getting out of bed. What was the point of doing anything if we were going to die. We rush around frantically doing things that do not last and then we die. For all intensive purposes, life was pointless. Why fight, when the end result is certain. Even more, where was Kelly? Would I see her again? Was she ok, was she scared, did she miss her family? She was supposed to get her driver's license, become a nurse, and fall madly in love. How could someone so beautiful just cease to exist. Where is she is?!!! I am not okay with this! This is not okay!!! Along with, why her and not me? It would have been so much better if it could have been me.
I lay there for a long time. I finally concluded that I had two choices... lay there until the end of this pointless life or figure out what happened to Kelly.
I got out of bed. I determined that I would study every religion or philosophy I could find, I did not care if it became my life's quest. If there was a shred of truth out there, I would own it. No matter how daunting the task... that was my only option.
From that point on, I also determined that my life would no longer be my own. I would put the good in the world that Kelly would have put in it if she were here. Her death would not be in vain. I would become better and give more because of it.
Kelly's life and death have lead me on a journey much greater than I could have ever imagined. Most importantly, I have found truth. Life can be difficult, but it is indeed well worth living and fight for. In fact, this time is incredibly precious to each of us. Finally, though very imperfectly, I've tried to live a life better than my own.
My name is Mindy and welcome to my blog.
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